Momentary

When they bury you in the ground… I will look at the grains of sand, and remember that they are like the countless moments that you lived out, some in heights of joy, some holding back tears, some surrounded by the ones who loved you, some longing for times past that never returned.

Some moments of yours were captured, some were celebrated by many, and then there were quiet ones where your heart was yet raging, and you held yourself together, finding strength in your solitude.

Those moments that no one noticed, they made way for the more visible ones, and sometimes there were those that made you want to die and never rise again.

My favourites were when you laughed. Those moments that were so full of life that you opened your mouth in laughter and the sheer joy took your breath away.

There were times when you exulted in your strength, knowing there were a thousand reasons for you to give up, to write down your goodbyes and leave everything, and yet you had chosen otherwise.

Moments had passed where your resolute focus had led you to some majestic mountain peaks, heights from which you could survey the entire course of the broad and spacious land before you.

You had also lived moments that had carried you into the dry riverbeds, its twisting paths that led you into a wide wilderness, and though you knew the ocean was nearby, you couldn’t hear the sound of the waves, or smell the salt in the air, because these moments had also trapped you in their pain.

Pain. That had lasted for more than a moment. You saw all kinds of it. Separation. Rejection. Accusation. Your life had carried pain like a rowboat on the ocean carries its passengers. You didn’t drown but boy, had you been tossed about!

I saw your moments slowly come to an end. I heard the fade on that last riff, heard it coming before it did. Still I had hoped that my love could be to you, extra moments, added, gratis. Somehow your life had been paid for in the exact measure that it required. Nothing more or less.

You lived all your moments as you. Courage. I saw you never turn away from the struggle but reach far into the storm of the battle, knowing that victory was a gamble but the fight was a choice.

You stepped up on to the wing of every moment and let it carry you. And now here we are, at the end that isn’t really an end.

You make me forget my regret, because wholehearted love never needed any reconsideration. Another chance, and I would only change this: more of my moments would have blended with yours, and I would savour it like a steaming cup of coffee, fragrant and strong enough to keep you awake, for just a little longer.

~ p